Interesting to look back over my first several posts–the baby that I “broke” at 6 weeks is now a very happy 18 month old who sleeps through the night (maybe that’s why I lack inspiration these days; lack of sleep does bring on an almost hallucinogenic state of euphoric creativity) and asks for “jussss” when she’s thirsty. We’ve moved across the country so my darling husband can take advantage of more schooling opportunities (probably means I should update the “about” section of this blog, too). And I’ve happily become a human incubator for the second time; little Baby StrawBee Grace is expected to “Grace” us with her presence sometime at the end of June, which is approaching much faster than I thought possible. I’ve started training as a medical transcriptionist, which gives me the vast advantage of typing faster than I did, which is saying something since I averaged about 80 wpm before. Ironically, there has been a direct correlation between how much medical homework I do and the decrease in writing and music in my life. A discouraging fact, but one I must face up to. Maybe next Tuesday.
Basically, my life looks very different from this side of 2009.
Still, through all of these changes, this blog has been at the back of my mind. Perhaps I’ve been intimidated after feeling like my last post came off so well. I know I’m not in any way prepared to tackle another deep subject any time soon.
I decided I finally had to come back this morning, however, while updating my profile on BabyCenter.com. It asked me where my favorite retreat was and I immediately answered, “A corner of my own mind.” I did a double take at my own answer. Surely I have somewhere else to retreat to? A corner of my own mind seems pathetically small when there’s a whole huge world out there for me to retreat to. I figured if I thought about it long enough, I’d realize there was a time and place I went to to be “alone.”
I soon realized this wasn’t the case. From 7 a.m., when Ladybug wakes up and Devin’s already gone, until around 11 p.m. when I fall asleep I have to keep company with someone or something besides myself, whether it be Ladybug, chores, exercise, bills, or Devin. This feeling is intensified by the little stranger living amid my vital organs. I don’t regret any of this–there’s a certain satisfaction from keeping the home running smoothly; Ladybug usually makes me laugh; and I treasure every minute with my rightfully busy husband. But these days, even my mind is getting invaded. My birthing classes are training me to use deep relaxation and mental conditioning to prepare myself to welcome StrawBee calmly and gently–any moment alone with my thoughts that isn’t involved in family and home is taken with meditation and reassurance to prepare me for that time.
All I have left is the one little corner of my mind where dwell “my” projects. The ones that don’t benefit anyone else, just me and my creative urges.
Looking back over the last few months, I realize my husband has been trying to tell me this since my first stress breakdown around Christmas (there have been several since): I can’t live my inner life in just one teeny corner of my mind. But I’ve been trying to as my sense of balance in life has been skewed by all the expectations I have for what I “should” be doing. I guess when he’s encouraging me to take time to “do what I want,” he really means to do what I want–not what’s next on my “To-Do Before Ladybug Wakes Up From Nap” list.
Time to give that Corner of my Own Mind an airing, I think; a spring cleaning, even. Push out the cobwebs and refresh old projects, even if they (like this post) are really strictly for my own benefit. I have an inkling that I’ll find this the most important (and beneficial) type of spring cleaning I could do this year, for myself and for those things that possess the rest of my mind.