How to be Pathetic: Practicing Pregnancy Helplessness

Some women are so darn empowered these days that they actually have the gall to openly enjoy their pregnancies. This is a shame, leaving behind the golden age of ignorance in which pregnancy was viewed as a shameful, embarrassing medical condition. At this rate, people will soon have a respectful understanding of what being pregnant entails and actually treat pregnant women according to their real limitations!

Just. Terrible.

Being on my third pregnancy, I thought it might be useful to hand out some guidelines to the rising generation of first-timers. To make sure we can perpetuate the image of pathetic suffering people so often associate with pregnancy.

1. ALWAYS BEND, NEVER CROUCH.

Make sure to grunt. People will then feel awkward for you and do everything in their power to make themselves feel better about your condition. Mostly this includes picking stuff up for you, but I have heard of this awkwardness leading to free food, clothes, and trips to Europe!

2. EAT AS MANY GASTRICALLY INAPPROPRIATE FOODS AS POSSIBLE.

These include tomato based foods such as spaghetti (or anything else acidic), spicy food, chocolate, and lots and lots of soda pop.  This will guarantee perpetual puking or horrendous heartburn, depending on the stage of pregnancy. And when people ask why you insist on eating these things, reply “The baby wants it.”

3. PRACTICE BAD PREGNANCY POSTURE

Some waddle is unavoidable when you hit that last month, but this “look at me I’m dying” walk is a classic pregnancy posture that’s adopted more out of tradition than necessity. Not only will it make you look tired and worn, guaranteeing plenty of help and sympathy, it also helps sustain that pregnancy backache people covet so.

4. LEARN TO SAY “THE DOCTOR SAYS I CAN’T”

Practice using pathetic faces and doe eyes, especially as relates to any medication that might help with the above conditions. Also, never question a medical professional, and never try to learn things for yourself. If you start sounding educated it ruins your credibility as a victim of an uncomfortable condition. In fact, don’t try to converse with your medical provider at all. Regardless of what they say, just repeat over and over: “The doctor says I can’t.”

5. YOU ARE A VICTIM OF YOUR HORMONES.

Preach this constantly, no matter what the situation. If possible, burst into tears while trying to explain it.
Every. Single. Time.
I mean sure, you could probably exert some effort and keep the mood swings to a fairly tame minimum, but what good does that do you?  Docile responses to such offensive questions as “How was your day?” never got anyone an extra box of chocolates for dessert.

6. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER GIVE AWAY THE TRUTH.

Which is that pregnancy is freaking amazing. And it comes with an awesome snack tray.

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About Carolynn the Dyer

If I've learned one thing by having three children in four years, it's that babies are not, in fact, the best birth control. ... Okay, just kidding. I've really learned that laughter is the only way to survive the wilds of parenthood, and life in general. Also, that it is indeed possible to do dishes, parent, and carry on a conversation at the same time. If that sounds like fun, or just impossible, then come join me on my blog--and join me in the jungle.
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