Some women are so darn empowered these days that they actually have the gall to openly enjoy their pregnancies. This is a shame, leaving behind the golden age of ignorance in which pregnancy was viewed as a shameful, embarrassing medical condition. At this rate, people will soon have a respectful understanding of what being pregnant entails and actually treat pregnant women according to their real limitations!
Being on my third pregnancy, I thought it might be useful to hand out some guidelines to the rising generation of first-timers. To make sure we can perpetuate the image of pathetic suffering people so often associate with pregnancy.
1. ALWAYS BEND, NEVER CROUCH.
Make sure to grunt. People will then feel awkward for you and do everything in their power to make themselves feel better about your condition. Mostly this includes picking stuff up for you, but I have heard of this awkwardness leading to free food, clothes, and trips to Europe!
2. EAT AS MANY GASTRICALLY INAPPROPRIATE FOODS AS POSSIBLE.
These include tomato based foods such as spaghetti (or anything else acidic), spicy food, chocolate, and lots and lots of soda pop. This will guarantee perpetual puking or horrendous heartburn, depending on the stage of pregnancy. And when people ask why you insist on eating these things, reply “The baby wants it.”
3. PRACTICE BAD PREGNANCY POSTURE
4. LEARN TO SAY “THE DOCTOR SAYS I CAN’T”
5. YOU ARE A VICTIM OF YOUR HORMONES.
6. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER GIVE AWAY THE TRUTH.
Which is that pregnancy is freaking amazing. And it comes with an awesome snack tray.