I have a very dysfunctional relationship with my glasses. I despise them, but I also need them. They abuse me by slipping down at the worst possible moments, causing disgusting amounts of unnecessary acne on my nose, and (occasionally) giving me migraines. As a teenager, I recognized this unhealthy relationship for what it was and so replaced my glasses with contacts.

Then I became co-dependent with my contacts, but that's not what this post is about.

(Thanks again for that, Mom.)

My glasses figured that I’d come back. And I do. For very, very brief flings before bed each night. And sometimes first thing in the morning. But never for longer than half an hour. I wouldn’t be sucked in again.

Then I got pink eye.

Yes, I did have a little skull and crossbones seeping out of my eye. So?

Clearly, my glasses are plotting against me. If I wouldn’t come back of my own accord, they would make my relationship with my contacts poisonous; nay, impossible. Then I’d be back.

Shifty-eyed glasses! ... wait...

So I had to go back to my glasses for. an. entire. month. I loathed every minute of it. I had to double check who the heck it was I was seeing every time I walked past a mirror. The dreaded problem spots of acne returned. My depth perception, always iffy, made me start thinking that not only were the objects closer than they appeared but they were right in my face. Driving at night was a lot of fun because all the lights were soft and beautiful… except it makes it hard to see where you ought to be when the cars in front of you meld into one shiny, fuzzy-looking blob. My ninja-like periferal vision was all but gone, which makes for a really lame ninja who jumps every time the dog walks past.

I spent a lot of time making sure I was kissing the right man before letting DB get too close.

He usually looks more like a young Elvis.

But spending an entire month with the glasses, well… I have to admit, maybe it’s not so bad. I can do without peripheral vision. And depth perception. And really, when you think about it, the street lamps look kinda pretty at night, all fuzzy and glowy.

Maybe… maybe I should give the glasses a second chance…

I've either been hypnotized, or I have rabies.


About Carolynn the Dyer

If I've learned one thing by having three children in four years, it's that babies are not, in fact, the best birth control. ... Okay, just kidding. I've really learned that laughter is the only way to survive the wilds of parenthood, and life in general. Also, that it is indeed possible to do dishes, parent, and carry on a conversation at the same time. If that sounds like fun, or just impossible, then come join me on my blog--and join me in the jungle.
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2 Responses to Glasses

  1. Susan says:

    I think you need a new pair of glasses and maybe a new prescription. I personally love my glasses, and glasses these days can be so stylish. So get a great new glasses prescription from your eye dr and by a pair from (I’ve gotten multiple sets there and they are great and cost a lot less than what you typically pay in person). Feel free to take everything I say with a grain of salt. I love my glasses and by far prefer their ease and convenience to poking a finger in my eye (I can’t hardly do eye drops for all the blinking). Of course it would be preferable just to have perfect eye sight and not have to bother with either.

  2. Amy says:

    Haha. Glasses make for a sexy mama…as long as you’re going for the sexy librarian look. 😉

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